Satanist To Install Giant Dongs If City Approves Eruvs

HALLANDALE, Fla.—As Orthodox Jews in this Florida town work to create “eruvs” to make their lives easier on the Sabbath, a local Satanist is ready to counteract by installing giant dongs around town if city officials approve the move.

Under Jewish law, observers are not allowed to carry any possessions between private and public domains on the Sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown). Orthodox Jews worldwide have found a loophole of sorts: creating “eruvs” which turn public domains into private ones. Eruvs are created by using poles and string to create a type of gated community. Anything inside the space created by the poles and strings is considered a private domain.

In Hallandale, however, a group of Orthodox Jews wants to create an eruv by installing nine poles at two beachfront parks, which are public property. Currently, local ordinances prevent anyone from installing poles in city-owned parks, and city officials would need to approve a waiver for the request.

Enter Chaz Stevens, a local Satanist and activist who has made it clear if city officials approve the waiver, he plans to come to town with giant dongs—one for each pole—if the eruv is approved.

Luckily, the residents of Hallandale are not likely to need to contend with strings and poles and giant dongs: City officials have gone on record that they are not in favor of approving the waiver, since it would make it difficult to deny future, similar requests for other religious (and possibly even secular) groups.

Pictured: Pipedream Products’ giant replica of its King Cock dong, as it travelled through Europe for trade shows.

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